Monday, 9 August 2010

The Homo Kid Story (ChristianU2uber)

Youtube can be a very fun place to share ideas, but if you set yourself up to be a prime victim for trolls then prepare to get abused:

ChristianU2uber

This YouTube sensation started talking about gay marriage but unfortunately informed us to his own homo-erotic experiences. One of the worst things ever to do on YouTube, and was inevitably trolled to deletion.



After the video he started to get some haters and foolishly responded. YouTube did delete his account after they became aware of the abuse, as well as having a policy that you need to be 13 to upload videos.



Then he starts to get angry when people called him a homo and then made this video which was like jumping off a cliff on to a series of sharp rocks.



Ok, this child did take it a bit too far and  got some shocking treatment. The one lesson we can learn from this is never to let children express their opinions on the Internet.

Saturday, 7 August 2010

How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse - Coming to Terms With Life

What would you do in this situation? You wake up one morning and realise that your roomates/family see you the same way a fat person sees a Big Mac. After being forced to brutally murder them to protect your own life and dump their corpses in the neighbours garden, what is your next step?

With the world at an end and practically everyone you know, or ever have known, being turned into a mindless flesh eating zombie sure, they may be easier to talk to, but how are you meant to survive? Zombies are a problem that will effect everyone's life and this is the start of a series of posts written to hopefully shed some light on what to do when Jesus finally decides to raise the dead.

Part 1
Coming To Terms With Life

If you have already survived the first stage and have managed to decapitate the un-dead, kind of sexy looking in a weird way, zombies who happened to be with you at the time of the apocalypse, then you are most likely going to have some psychological issues. If you hated the people you killed BA (before apocalypse) then you might have enjoyed the experience and the only advice you need is to be persuaded that hitting their corpses over and over again won't effect them in any way, even though it may feel good. But if you didn't think they were that bad people, or you thought one the people you killed might have been 'the one', then your going to have to get over it. Ty and get over the the idea that nothing will ever be the same again and distract yourself from the fact that every piece of effort you put into surviving is just postponing your impeding gruesome death. Yes, ending it all now might be the easy way out but someone might come to your rescue and where's the fun in just giving up. It's not like your going to be doing much else once your dead, apart from attacking other people.

FAQ - Coming To Terms With Life

What is there to live for any more?

Come on misery guts, focus on the positives. There are no more boring laws that you have to live by and you no longer have to worry about your education, finding a decent job or fat people again. Remember how much you enjoyed playing Left 4 Dead? It's exactly like that but with super real graphics and a more plausible plot which everyone can enjoy, even Australians.

How do I know my girlfriends a zombie?

If your girlfriend is moaning, looking at you with a blank stare and waiting for any excuse to viciously attack you then she still could be clear of zombie infection. If she has any bite marks on her body then she either is turning into a zombie or has been cheating on you with another guy who likes to mark his women with bruises by sucking on them sexually and biting their body. People who do that are just strange and are also most likely to be zombies. Since women bleed on a monthly basis it makes it very difficult to tell whether she is devil spawn or just being a complete bitch. The easy solution would be just shooting her in the head but that may lead on to more complicated issues.

Can I still have sex with my zombie girlfriend?

All zombie diseases spread in different ways. All though there is no official study into whether you can become a zombie by having sex with one I wouldn't advise it. Most of the time it tends to be getting zombie blood into your system or through the saliva, like rabies, which immediately suggests no BJs. It is rare, but it could also travel air-born in which case you should defiantly avoid sticking your penis inside her. Remember the moral implications as well. The reaction a zombie has when you have sex wouldn't be real since they can't feel anything. If you have already decapitated her just remember those random twitches that might occur are just reflexes and not signs that she's enjoying it.

Can I now kill people who aren't zombies as well?

In a zombie world it is careful who you let live. Other selfish humans take up your food, water and without regular showers will probably smell. Theoretically, you can now kill anyone you want but remember to keep some people alive who might be useful...like huge men with giant guns to have sex with and hot girls to help you fight off zombies.

Should I make friends in the zombie world?

Making new friends is never easy and now that the majority of people would rather literally pick at your brains than have an interesting conversation with you then this becomes a lot harder. The easiest way to make friends would be to ask if they want to team up. This person would then be useful to help you fight off zombies and you could even try talking to him/her. If you ever become overcome by zombies you can kill your new friend so the zombies will start eating him/her allowing you to make a quick getaway. That's what friends are for.

Does this now mean there is no God?

Not at all. Remember God was a dick way before the times today where he rarely intervenes. Do you not remember the great flood or the gang rape from the old testament? Give the guy a chance. If I was God then I would make zombies take over every now and again just for fun. He probably still loves you, but clearly loves it more to see people fight for their lives in a zombie world. Just pray he chooses you to be one of the people that survive.

If you have any of your own zombie questions for part 2 then you can ask them by tweeting on twitter or you can just leave a comment:
@zombieexpert and @worsethanablog

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Converting to Apple


The modern Apple has so many devoted followers that whenever a new piece of kit is released it instantly puts most Mac users into a state of irrational, orgasmic awe. After the announcement of the iPad, a large portion of people's thoughts probably went somewhere along the lines of the picture below.




The chances are that most people didn't buy an iPad to watch porn on, probably. Well if you think about it, the device wouldn't be a very good porn viewer either. It doesn't have a Flash player, which knocks out a large portion of websites (but not all of them), and it's too heavy to hold in one hand. Then again, you could always buy a stand which holds the screen at a convenient angle.

The perfect place to keep an iPad is in a toilet, not because of the Playboy app but because I seem to play on my iPhone the most while either waiting or taking part in a toilet related activity. The iPad is ideal for toilet users since it's only practical use is wasting time. It could be used for all of your favourite toilet pastimes such as: catching up on the latest news, checking your email, reading a book or playing on your apps. Another brilliant idea from Apple is that the design allows you to balance it on your legs while playing Zombies Vs Plants. The only problem you would run into is having to wash your hands after every time you use it and being forced to regularly disinfect it.

Apart from the iPad, I think it's fair to say that the rest of their products are generally good apart from a few consistent problems. All their devices seem to suffer from a lack of customisation and openness. Each app has to be approved by Apple and their hardware is practically impossible to upgrade without buying a completely new system. Still though, the majority of brainwashed Magpies seem to enjoy the shiny and sleek looking devices, with the next logical step being not to make their products better, but simply to make them glow in the dark. Oh my bad, they already did that with the keyboard and the logo. Still though, there has to be some room for a bit more glowing.


The one thing that was keeping me from turning to the fruity side was the fact that almost everyone I knew who owned a Mac seemed to turn into an iPrick. They would consistently throw it in my face how Windows is inferior and how their operating system doesn't get viruses. I would always inform them that I don't need to use iPhoto to organise my pictures but they never listen. However, some Apple software does appear to be superior and is now the reason why I have decided to buy...A MacBook Glow, I mean Pro.

The software that I want to use is Final Cut Pro as well as the App Developing software to partake in creating iPhone apps for the already bloated App Store to get some good programming experience. My experience playing about on Final Cut Pro with the priests at the Apple Store was a very pleasant one, and I now find it hard to work on my inferior boring laptop. Also, my current software has a horrible sound to video syncing issue meaning I literally can't make any new videos till I upgrade the software. Another big problem is that since I started filming in HD my one year old Vaio can no longer handle the the high quality moving pictures, resulting in editing takes so much longer thanks to the frame rate being like watching a slow Powerpoint Presentation. I also quite like the idea of Apple Care because it seems nice that I can send my computer off to be fixed whenever it inevitably breaks.

To the dissatisfaction of the Apple Store staff I will also be booting it with a Windows and Linux operating system so I can use all the software I have already bought as well as not limiting myself only to OSX software. This hopefully should prevent me from turning into the type of person that would leap at the chance to hoar themselves out to Apple. I still think the iPhone 4 is a waste of money for 3GS owners and that the company as a whole is running out of new ideas. I can only pray I don't turn into an iPrick.

Monday, 2 August 2010

Inception Vs Toy Story 3


Toy Story 3 and Inception are easily two of the best films released this year. With Toy Story 3 raking in over $110 million in it's opening weekend and Inception drawing in just over $62 million, these are two great examples of good modern films. Both attract different audiences and both have been getting a lot of praise from reviewers and movie goers alike, but which comes out on top for simply being the better film?
This appears to be a very difficult question to answer because you could argue that since each film was made for different audiences there is no real point in trying, but trying to answer a difficult question is far more interesting than just sitting down and reviewing each film one at a time like every other reviewer has attempted to do.

A good way to work out which film is better would be to ask a lot of people how good they thought each film was, mark it out of ten and then compare all the data collected to see what people prefer. Luckily the website IMDB has already done this for us and shows us how people ranked the film. Currently Inception is ranked as the #3 best film ever made behind The Shawshank Redemption and The Godfather. This is worked out by averaging out the movies score given by regular voters which currently has 112, 555 votes which has averaged to be 9.1 out of 10. Toy Story 3 is currently ranked at #10 just ahead of The Empire Strikes Back with 52, 767 votes averaging out at 8.8 out of 10.

The problem with believing these statistics is that it only takes into account the opinions of people who regularly vote online. The audience of Toy Story 3 is clearly not aimed at people who vote online as much as the audience of Inception, which makes the results a bit hard to compare. There will be many families and children who are not regular voters on the website; meaning that the demographics are so different this would clearly produce a biased result which only looks at people's opinions who use the internet to look up movie trivia a lot. Also after writing this article these statistics are likely to change.

Being an avid internet user, I tend to notice online advertising more than any other and Toy Story was clearly the most advertised film online than any other I have come across. With constant Facebook updates, YouTube videos and adverts popping up everywhere it was very hard to miss, and from about 6 months in advance I knew I was definitely going to see that film. Toy Story 3 definitely lived up to standards of the previous films and in that sense I knew exactly what to expect when walking into the cinema. Inception didn't really come under my radar apart from seeing a few trailers, that I couldn't make sense of, and checking the IMDB rating a few hours before going. The only reason I went to see it was after hearing everyone else keep going on about how good it was. I was definitely expecting higher standards while seeing Inception. I feel bad for saying it but I was disappoint with the film based on the articles I had read. Like most things, it didn't live up to the hype I was expecting.  I saw both of them in the same day but I was comparing Inception with films like 'The Godfather' and 'The Good the Bad and the Ugly' while I was only comparing Toy Story with it's predecessors. This now makes my personal opinion wrong because I had already been polluted by other sources before taking a step into the cinema and clearly a lot of other people would have had a different experience leading up to each film, which I can't possibly account for. It is hard for anyone to say that they can give an unbiased review of a film while also following the hype. Toy Story was made for my generation, with me being the same age as Andy while seeing the third film, meaning I already had an emotional connection with Toy Story from the years of my childhood which Inception missed out on.

So after rendering own opinion useless and complaining about IMDB's statistics not taking a large enough demographic into account; what other methods are there to decide on how good a film is? Well Inception took 8 years to write where as Toy Story 3 only took 2 and 1/2, so because it took longer he thought about the film more making it better? Toy Story 3 is in 3D but Christopher Nolan said he didn't want his in 3D because it would take away from the story so how do we take that into account?

Every film is subjective to each person watching it. Arguably, I might have enjoyed Inception more if I saw it before Toy Story 3 or without reading any reviews of it. When you take two clearly good films it comes down to the stage where your enjoyment is going to be based on your experience beforehand, rather than during the films. No matter what I said in this review you would still have your own opinion before and after reading it. The only sure way to compare both films on their own merits is by locking yourself in a room away from all the marketing and hype, but this would be useless for everyone else because practically no one sees films in that context. So my conclusion is that each film is better than the other depending on the circumstances. If you want to enjoy Inception, just trust me when I say it's the worst film that has ever been made. I am now going to lock myself in a room and try to come up with an article which actually concludes a point relating to the title on Wednesday...

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