Saturday, 7 August 2010

How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse - Coming to Terms With Life

What would you do in this situation? You wake up one morning and realise that your roomates/family see you the same way a fat person sees a Big Mac. After being forced to brutally murder them to protect your own life and dump their corpses in the neighbours garden, what is your next step?

With the world at an end and practically everyone you know, or ever have known, being turned into a mindless flesh eating zombie sure, they may be easier to talk to, but how are you meant to survive? Zombies are a problem that will effect everyone's life and this is the start of a series of posts written to hopefully shed some light on what to do when Jesus finally decides to raise the dead.

Part 1
Coming To Terms With Life

If you have already survived the first stage and have managed to decapitate the un-dead, kind of sexy looking in a weird way, zombies who happened to be with you at the time of the apocalypse, then you are most likely going to have some psychological issues. If you hated the people you killed BA (before apocalypse) then you might have enjoyed the experience and the only advice you need is to be persuaded that hitting their corpses over and over again won't effect them in any way, even though it may feel good. But if you didn't think they were that bad people, or you thought one the people you killed might have been 'the one', then your going to have to get over it. Ty and get over the the idea that nothing will ever be the same again and distract yourself from the fact that every piece of effort you put into surviving is just postponing your impeding gruesome death. Yes, ending it all now might be the easy way out but someone might come to your rescue and where's the fun in just giving up. It's not like your going to be doing much else once your dead, apart from attacking other people.

FAQ - Coming To Terms With Life

What is there to live for any more?

Come on misery guts, focus on the positives. There are no more boring laws that you have to live by and you no longer have to worry about your education, finding a decent job or fat people again. Remember how much you enjoyed playing Left 4 Dead? It's exactly like that but with super real graphics and a more plausible plot which everyone can enjoy, even Australians.

How do I know my girlfriends a zombie?

If your girlfriend is moaning, looking at you with a blank stare and waiting for any excuse to viciously attack you then she still could be clear of zombie infection. If she has any bite marks on her body then she either is turning into a zombie or has been cheating on you with another guy who likes to mark his women with bruises by sucking on them sexually and biting their body. People who do that are just strange and are also most likely to be zombies. Since women bleed on a monthly basis it makes it very difficult to tell whether she is devil spawn or just being a complete bitch. The easy solution would be just shooting her in the head but that may lead on to more complicated issues.

Can I still have sex with my zombie girlfriend?

All zombie diseases spread in different ways. All though there is no official study into whether you can become a zombie by having sex with one I wouldn't advise it. Most of the time it tends to be getting zombie blood into your system or through the saliva, like rabies, which immediately suggests no BJs. It is rare, but it could also travel air-born in which case you should defiantly avoid sticking your penis inside her. Remember the moral implications as well. The reaction a zombie has when you have sex wouldn't be real since they can't feel anything. If you have already decapitated her just remember those random twitches that might occur are just reflexes and not signs that she's enjoying it.

Can I now kill people who aren't zombies as well?

In a zombie world it is careful who you let live. Other selfish humans take up your food, water and without regular showers will probably smell. Theoretically, you can now kill anyone you want but remember to keep some people alive who might be useful...like huge men with giant guns to have sex with and hot girls to help you fight off zombies.

Should I make friends in the zombie world?

Making new friends is never easy and now that the majority of people would rather literally pick at your brains than have an interesting conversation with you then this becomes a lot harder. The easiest way to make friends would be to ask if they want to team up. This person would then be useful to help you fight off zombies and you could even try talking to him/her. If you ever become overcome by zombies you can kill your new friend so the zombies will start eating him/her allowing you to make a quick getaway. That's what friends are for.

Does this now mean there is no God?

Not at all. Remember God was a dick way before the times today where he rarely intervenes. Do you not remember the great flood or the gang rape from the old testament? Give the guy a chance. If I was God then I would make zombies take over every now and again just for fun. He probably still loves you, but clearly loves it more to see people fight for their lives in a zombie world. Just pray he chooses you to be one of the people that survive.

If you have any of your own zombie questions for part 2 then you can ask them by tweeting on twitter or you can just leave a comment:
@zombieexpert and @worsethanablog

4 comments:

  1. Wow, this is so weird. I just had a dream about a zombie apocalypse a couple of days ago... And it was probably because I read an article about how to survive a Zombie Invasion similar to this one. It's like there following me! :O

    Better get prepared for another zombiedreamnight. ;D

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  2. great post, I also have dreams of zombie apocalypses. Strange because they are not nightmares, I rather enjoy being able to kill people without any legal recourse. Bring the zombies on. Though I hope they're the slow dumb kind from night if the living dead.

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  3. this is nice.... reminds me of my dreams!!! killing zombies is really fun

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